This is my 100th post on Draw Near.
Woohoo.
In eight months, I’ve written more pieces than I thought I could release to the wilds of the internet. In spite of fear of failure and rejection, through self-imposed deadlines and a steep growing curve, I’ve written 100 posts. Some light. Some deep. Some that felt breezy and fun. Some that felt akin to birthing a human.
I’ve felt vulnerable. Afraid. I’ve made new friends. I’ve delighted in drawing closer to this life I’ve been given and to this God who’s given me all I have.
By and large, I’ve loved this, and I plan to keep loving this.
But at times it’s been difficult for me — a long time people-pleaser and a highly-sensitive one at that — to keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak.
Generally, I delight in the writing process. I feel protected, lead and loved when I write. And then? Then I release my little babies into the world, and though sometimes that can feel joyous (because I love you, readers), often it has felt like stripping off pieces of my clothes. Dancing cheek to cheek with skin-prickling anxiety and gut-filling fear.
Over my recent blogging break I prayed a lot and searched deep, asking myself and God, Why do I do this then?
On a mild night on a blanket in a tree-covered park, a dear friend and I talked about the why — why I write, why I blog. And I struggled to tell her. I said:
“I feel called.”
“Because God asks me to write.”
“I just need to.”
From my tired place of efforting and trying to receive, that was about the best I could do. It felt sort of gray and lifeless, to tell you the truth.
And then as we talked, I connected with a deep stirring that if this (any of this) is only about duty or even (the more noble-sounding) calling, I’m going to wear the heck out. Whether it’s mothering or friending, loving my husband or hosting people in our home, volunteering or working — if it is only duty that compels me, the steady drain of what I must do will inevitably empty me.
Maybe duty is enough for you. But for me, it’s just not. Because I believe in so much more.
I know, after long struggle, the life truth of Jesus’ words that for freedom he has set me free.
I know the God who loves perfectly and continually and gives full life and everlasting hope.
I know now that we are each created to bring glory to the One who made us — through the gifts, the love, the heart, the hands, the identity he’s knit into the very us of us.
That night in the park, my friend and I talked about Chariots of Fire and about Eric Liddell, who says famously that when he runs, he feels God’s pleasure.
Feels God’s pleasure.
So different from the pleasure of ease or choice to do whatever I desire in a moment. So different from the pleasures I can equate to freedom from effort. So different from seeking pleasure that is validated in the approval of others.
Seeking and knowing God’s pleasure requires effort, faithful showing up and a willing spirit to do the hard, good thing — yes,
but this pleasure holds hands with joy.
So these last few posts of the 100, I am learning how to not only write, but release what I write for the glory of God.
Not holding outcomes or responses. Not determining my beliefs about my success on the numbers who visit, what I hear or don’t.
I am learning how central it is that I live and write, seeking the joy.
Doing for the glory of God, allowing whatever I have to pour out, living what I live for God and the very nature of who he is.
As I purpose to hold and feel the facets of this life, appreciate color and struggle and movement, string life moments together with letters and release them…as I purpose to live fully awake and share that in this space, I seek to do so for the glory of God.
And I find the joy and pleasure when that is my focus.
So I’ll keep showing up and keep letting go.
For the glory. For the joy.
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
ooohhhhhh Ashley………I love……..I love…….
Thank you, Fiona. You are one of the dear ones I’m so thankful to have met through this blogging adventure.
Maybe we could meet up in real life! I’d love that – either when you’re here visiting Alli or next time we head North. :)
I would love that, Fiona! I’ll message you on FB so we can exchange numbers for that someday.
I am proud beyond description! I have read each and every one of them, and am in awe of your way with words, and the wonderful vision you see life in. Thank you so much for sharing them with me, and so many others. Selfishly, I mentioned me first, because I know what your words have meant to me and my life. I love you baby. Auntie Claudia
Oh Auntie, you are such a gem. Thank you, thank you. I love you. Always have, always will. :)
Ashley, We don’t know each other and we may never meet in this life; I recently found Draw Near (thru [in]courage, I think). So I have not been with you for all 100, or even 25. But you are my sister-in-Christ. I want to thank you for releasing the words God gives you to benefit us, the readers. You are a benefactress!
Thank you, sister. :) It’s so great to have “met” you here, Susan. That word “benefactress” is such a fascinating one, and I’ve never thought of it in this context before. That idea of giving away our gifts, our blessings — how central to living a life of gratitude and faith.
Woo Hoo Happy 100th, Ashley! You don’t look a post over 80! Seriously though (as they say) your work here has been such a joy to witness. You have brought light, peace, and joy to me; Thank You!
Haha! Thank you so much, Uncle Don. I truly appreciate your words and your love.
Ashley, this was beautifully written. I’m so happy to follow along your journey of writing. You are truly gifted and I look forward to reading more. Happy 100th :)
Thanks so much, Johanna, for your encouragement on the journey. I sense you might be able to relate to the hard, good work in this. :)
A tough lesson to learn and believe in fully – the idea that your “success” is not bound up with the numbers of people who visit and comment. I am happy to hear that you are finding a deeper sense of pleasure and joy in this writing of yours as it gives so much pleasure and joy to others. When you write, see that pleasure and joy ADDING to the world at large. Each and every time you release one of your “babies” in the form of posts, it brings another little bit of light to this place. Love it! Happy 100th!!! May there be thousands more…
Thank you, Barb! I love what you say about pleasure and joy being added to this world as I release my “babies.” What great parallels here to my flesh and blood babies.
And may you delight, my friend, in the joy of knowing the same. Grateful to journey with you.
Dearest child! You write because you’ve been given words to speak – for a time they may be words to hold and treasure, but there’s no permanent holding of them, for they’re meant to be born, little babies released upon blessings into the world. You’ll seldom get the chance to see where they land, and that’s hard because you’ve loved them and given them your best. It takes courage, especially for one as tender-hearted as you, and one who makes herself vulnerable to an audience she can’t even see but an audience who glimpses into her very core. You write because it’s both IN you and who you ARE. It always was, and could be no different. ;)
Take delight in God’s pleasure and fly Free! I love you.
OH! And a very happy 100th too! Bravo puliki-mu (as Yaya would say!)
I think I may just read this blessing of love and understanding every day. :) How I love you and thank God I am known by you, Mama.
Ashley ,
I have read all 100 and look forward to many more. You are truly blessed with a gift and with your words you have gifted others. There are many things I have not been able to see in this world and in myself, but I have seen them through your words. Thank you!
Love,
Fran
Fran, how sweet and special to read your words here. Thank you. I’m immensely grateful to connect with you across the miles in this way. I can’t wait to see you in the flesh sometime again soon.
Sending love!
Ash, thank you for sharing your precious gift with us!! I have read all 100 as well and await many more. So thankful for you and your courage to be bold. Blessings to you!
Love and hugs,
Nanner
Bless you, my friend! Thank you. Now we gotta make a date so I can get that book into your hands. :) xoxo
It takes someone with a deep center to write and articulate thoughts the way that you do. Your lucid voice makes us all look at our own perceived imperfections. You don’t write to cure yourself of them but to show us that we have much in common. You are brave and honest, sincere and guileless in sharing your journey to self-approval and acceptance. You love us all beautifully!
Bless you, my sweet Papa. It brings such joy to imagine others may be more freed to honesty, self-acceptance and joy in some place of resonance with what I write. Thankful to know God gives me that gift to myself for myself, too. :)
Ashley- it is so good you always consider the “why” and the “call” as you reminded my Writers Group a couple of months ago when I asked you to share with us your journey. It is refreshing to read your words of reflection on the call to write, as someone who has been doing this for a while, you re-inspire me! . . .
. . .I have always felt writing a calling. . .I believe we all have a story to tell and we learn through story.
. . .And, I love my favorite theologian’s words on the value of writing, from Martin Luther. “If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write.”
…here’s to the next 100 posts…dear fellow WriterMom friend- Cornelia
So true, this — “we all have a story to tell and we learn through story.” Yes! It is so at the core of our being, isn’t it? I look forward to writing much more. Thank you for all the inspiration!! (And I’m glad to call you my fellow “writermom” friend.)