Dear Ashley,
You live in the world of those who preen and cluck and coo. Some intimidate with their skill or beautiful feathers. Some startle with their calls. Some flit about quietly doing their work. What you do not know now is that each is searching for a safe place to build a nest.
Very few feel as secure as you think they are or believe they are as lovely as they are. You think most everyone has this figured out, but every bird is trying to find a place to rest.
You have a flock, and you care for each other and are learning a picture of community from these friends, and they will be yours for life. But part of you still believes they love you because of your sameness, and you so much want to be liked by your flock.
By every flock.
You will soon come to accept that you are not going to be everyone’s favorite, and this is as it should be, if you are living honestly.
You still aren’t sure what you is, and that is ok. You see the contradictions in yourself as failings, rather than the unique fabric that makes you. You will learn and keep learning this again in all kinds of ways, and you will begin to more tenderly see yourself as one who is becoming. You today is not you forever, or even you tomorrow. And yet the same you is always there.
Do not fear your weakness, for the very thing you try to lock away, hide and protect will be the key to your healing and a picture of healing for others. You do not yet understand this, trying so hard to do and be right, but your weaknesses in the hand of your Maker and Redeemer become true beauty. It’s almost inconceivable mystery, but I know now it’s true.
You do not see yourself as lovely because your picture of beauty is always her, out there. One day, though, you not only will begin to accept the essence of you, but also your face, curves and lines, and it will be when you’ve seen yourself through unconditional love’s eyes and birthed and held babies, begun to know your body as an always-changing, constant vessel for love.
You will judge lumps, stray hairs and zits less, and you will realize you get to choose what you’re going to tell yourself about yourself. And little girls around you will be paying attention.
Don’t forget this: your external packaging, your accomplishments, your doing good and right will not define you. You are defined by something and Someone much greater, and you already know this. You are much wiser than you realize, after all.
In the years ahead, you will see that gratitude, praise and presence put much into perspective that your emotions cannot. Your intuition and feelings are powerful things, but remember they are not the only things.
You will have shining moments and great days, and you will make desperate messes and live horrible hours, but you will make it.
Cling to hope, always cling to hope. And remember Christ’s grace — it will be your lifeline. Do not over- or under-estimate your own importance. Show kindness. Know that sometimes being small is the path to fullness beyond your imagining. Give what you desire to receive.
Lastly, as you receive shelter, also provide it — under your wing, in your nest, through your coos and calls, with your very own feathers — because those birds out there, they need you.
Keep on keeping on, Sister Me,
Ashley
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
I love you!!!!
What an exquisite love letter to your younger you. (it reminds me a bit of the one Rilke wrote to a young aspiring writer – do you know the one?) I wish (my dearest girl) that I had written those words to you then. But (undoubtedly) I didn’t have all the wisdom required at the time, and maybe you wouldn’t have believed it fully until you were ready to write it yourself. I love you so, Ashley. I’m so proud of who you are – and always was! [fluff, nuzzle, coo] xo mama
really beautiful, ash.
Thank you, Jo. xoxo
p.s. Whatever happened to those good strong shoulders you used to have? :)
I know. It’s the weirdest thing.
Very beautifully written!
I would tell myself to work to be who God wants me to be. To throw myself on Him every time the devil hit me with those feelings of not being good enough or pretty enough. Every time peer pressure and insecurities raised their heads. To find my identity in Him alone.
Really, I think you said it all already! :) And very, very well!
Identity in Him alone…yes, Deborah. Why is the battle for our identities so hard for us as girls/women?
Great post! I wrote to my college self a few months ago, but I was so different in High School than college. I loved your words. Can I take your words? I would tell myself to enjoy the time & don’t wish it away. & don’t spend all of your hard earned money on movies and clothes. Save it for college!
Take them — yes. Where? :) You’re so right, Virginia. How I would love to take back those bad financial choices of yore.
This is SO beautiful Ashley and rings true in every sense. You are a wonderful writer! And what a grgeous ‘high school you’ photo!
You are so sweet, Shira. Thank you. I’m wishing today that each of my readers could post a high school photo of themselves! I can’t be the only one out there with shoulders the size of a linebacker. :)
Amazing, beautiful, insightful, poignant, truth. Your letter has just about said it all for me too and challenged me to write my own P.S. attachment. :) This is one I will read and reread. Thank you sis for your vulnerability and wisdom. I loved high school you, but love and respect the you today immensely!!
Thank you so much, Sis. I hope you’ll share your P.S. attachment with me someday! :)
“…and you will begin to more tenderly see yourself as one who is becoming.” i love that ashley….thank you for writing this, it is beautiful!………and please wear that white sweater with the amazing shoulder pads on saturday.
love you :)
Only if you wear your blazer with the crest on the pocket. :) I love you, my friend.
This was beautiful and though provoking, Ash. Wonder what I would say to myself?
When you figure it out, do tell me…I really want to know, Kathi. I’ll have three girls in high school eventually and would love to be able to pass on the words of wise women who’ve learned a thing or two. xoxo
I forgot! Enjoy your reunion!
Thank you. I will!
This is beautiful, Ashley. My today self believes you. I’m not sure if I could say the same about my 17 year old self. (Poor girl.)
Isn’t that the truth, Anne?! I just want to give her a hug.
you are skinnier then you think. (i know deep right).
Mari
Haha!
From Emily’s Dad (“Easy Ed”) to you and all:
you may tuck this away written from a friend
of mine on the occasion of their visit from Montana:
“Grandchildren are the best justification for continuing to seek maturity, but being careful not to embrace it.”
Best wishes on your 20th!!
Thanks so much, Easy Ed! That is some great wisdom. I love it!
Draw near is the gift that keeps on giving (perhaps have used this very phrase in a reply to you before) . . . But ’tis true :)
Aw, thank you, Deb. I hope my girls read this letter someday and are able to avoid in some way some of my own pain — but I also know we’ve each got to live our own. Thank you for blessing me with your words.
‘Oh my golden face’ your inner beauty has no physical dimensions; however It has a big heart, compassion and empathy. It is inclusive and generous. Oh, by the way, your high school ‘you’ was so easy to be around. No drama, no demands. Only respect and love. You are still that way! Ich liebe dich, Papa
Thank you, Papa. I think I definitely could have written much more about compassion and empathy, which I learned so much about from you and Mama. That is a story (or series of letters) in itself. Thank you for your loving words — always my champion. :) Love you.
Wow. Your face just…glows (not just with the special lighting!) then, and what I love is I can tell it still does, but with more depth and dimension. Every time I read something of yours, it just reinforces the thought that, one day, I’d like to meet this lovely person that is you. And I appreciate so much of your insights here, but this one stood out: “In the years ahead, you will see that gratitude, praise and presence put much into perspective that your emotions cannot. Your intuition and your feelings are powerful things, but remember they are not the only things.” So good.
Amber, your dear words. I would absolutely cherish the opportunity to meet precious you someday! Might you be heading to the Jumping Tandem Retreat in April? Lisa-Jo will be speaking (as will Emily Wierenga, among amazing others). I’d adore the opportunity to meet you. Also, I just live in Portland, so we’re close! Maybe we could coordinate a meeting. Whenever I see you, I’ll be sure to wear shoulder pads and clothe myself in that amazing lighting. Haha.
Ahhhh, I just read this, and it brought a much needed smile to my face. I haven’t heard of the Jumping Tandem Retreat, but I’ll have to look it up. As you said, though, Portland is close, and I’m there now and then to see family, so we may very well need to arrange a little meet up with those shoulder pads and amazing lighting… yes, we must :-)
What really defines us? It’s amazing what the teenage you thinks compared to the more mature you. Some never get it and spend all their time with the matters of external and never look at what God sees… Our heart.
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David Rupert, Community Editor
Such wisdom. I love what you wrote about motherhood’s changing your perspective, and I love your h.s. photo, Ashley!