Her after school reports of kindergarten’s first weeks dripped with Ms. Foster’s gems. And the woman is a treasure, but geesh, those pieces of advice about how to treat others and how to write letters and how to wash your hands that Sici was sharing with me — these were things I’d taught my oldest girl for years.
“Ms. Foster’s right. That’s what mama’s said too,” I told her in my let’s-remember-who-gave-birth-to-you-and-passed-on-everything-you-know moments.
“Yeah, Ms. Foster’s a really smart lady,” I said at other less prickly times, swallowing my pride.
Then one day a few months into the year, Sici came home with a hand-drawn picture: “The Family Portrait.” Perched on top of a grassy hill were Papa with his long stilt legs, younger sister J with circle curls atop her head and Sici herself drawn the biggest.
But someone was missing.
Where the heck was I?
One, two, three…and no number four? The now pregnant mother who endured painful labors and excruciating terrible threes and poured out love and breakfast and kisses when life turned hard, yeah — where was that lady?
“Where’s Mama in your picture, honey?” I asked, trying to steady my voice.
“Oh, I forgot to draw you,” she said casually.
“Don’t you think it’s important to include Mama? I’m part of the family, too.”
“I forgot. This is a picture of when you were gone anyway. I can add you,” Sici said, taking a colored pencil to her drawing and making a tiny stick person hovering over hers and Papa’s shoulders.
I looked microscopic in comparison to the others and like I could float off into the ether without a stick figure on earth noticing.
Moments after Sici drew the floating mother afterthought, I could no longer hold it in. I didn’t want to be the proverbial martyr, but I felt so hurt, and I could not hold back tears. I ran upstairs and buried my head in bed covers and cried loud and hard.
Later, Sici apologized for leaving me out, and I, of course (with guilt of my own for making her feel badly) forgave her.
This mothering work is a privilege, holy work, and I don’t do the day in, day out tending, laundering and teaching expecting recognition, but still, sometimes it’s so danged thankless. And what does it mean about a mother if her own daughter forgets to draw her?
No, I don’t need accolades for this mothering work, but once in a while I could use some affirmation.
Accolades are junk food for my people pleasing hunger pangs, my need to have this ego stroked, to fill myself up with others’ good thoughts of me and my performance. They aren’t the sort of filling that lasts.
Affirmation, on the other hand, is the sometimes strong, sometimes gentle voice of encouragement — reminders of who I am and the good I bring to this world, reminders that I am seen.
That day and for many afterward I’ll let you know, I needed help remembering that, regardless of whether I was seen in the mind’s eye of my daughter as she drew the family, as a mother (and human being), I am important. I am valuable. I am loved.
After the hit to my mother pride, I shared with my husband, mom and sister and close friends that my omission from the picture represented my bigger struggle (yeah, you probably already figured that out) — to know my worth.
Yes, I was struggling to remember the truth.
Maybe you need help remembering it, too. Today, whether you are a stay at home mother, a full time working outside the home mother, or some combination in between, what you are doing in the lives of your children matters for it becomes the very matter of who they are.
You do the lasting work of raising kind, responsible, generous, strong, wise human beings. You who wipe a thousand tears from round cheeks and kiss a thousand growing foreheads and give the same reminders a thousand times…you need to know all those thousands count for something.
And when you are occasionally forgotten, it’s good to be reminded.
______________
When have you felt left out of the picture? How do you remind yourself of your value –and your value as mother — when you lose sight of it?
Do you know about MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers)? MOPS exists to encourage moms and remind us that this beautiful, difficult, often unseen and undervalued work called mothering matters. Today, I’m honored to be featured on MOPS 30-Day Blog Blitz, in which they visit some favorite writer moms from around the blogosphere. And here’s the fun part: I get to choose one reader as the recipient of a free annual MOPS membership ($23.95 value). Simply leave a comment including the words “MOPS membership” to be a part of the drawing, and I will announce the winner next week.
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Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Ashley, thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing this struggle that is oh so familiar and oh so real! I’m battling the same battle as of late and it really does come down to believing and receiving who we are in Christ rather than clinging to the accolaudes of the world. But on days like today, choosing to receive is a moment by moment chore piled high as the laundry :) It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone! Love you friend! (I will be enjoying the first MOPS meeting of the year tonight!)
“Choosing to receive is a moment by moment chore piled high as the laundry.” Yes! It is a choice to believe our value is found in God, instead of looking aimlessly around for it in this world, just waiting for someone to “notice,” and yet I’m also glad for those ones who remind. You are one of them. I love you, Vickie.
Wow, Ashley, what a powerful post. You realize that you’re not in the picture because you’re all-powerful and all-loving and she takes you for granted, right? Sounds like a parable . . . .
:-) Funny that you say that, Luanne. I actually did have that thought — even then — that I was left out because I was so woven into my girl’s life fibers that it was almost like she didn’t see me as a separate person. Such an interesting process in children’s development. The movement of finding safety and identity in the very person of mom to separating into their own unique humans with their own selves and doing things that seem like rejection to find the “them” in there. Will be on this journey for a very long time.
Powerful, beautiful, and important. Thank you, Ashley …
Thank you, dear Jennifer. And thank you for sharing my words. xoxo
I remember many times (usually at bedtime) trying hard to be a big girl that our boy (or now boys) would fight to be with Papa. Sometimes I do better than others. I also sruggle with how the adult world has written me off as “just a Mom”. Even some near and dear. So important to listen to the One who knows.
Amen, friend. I hear you — those times of being chosen over just plain hurt. Like they always have, and probably always will. It does seem, though, like sometimes the reason we aren’t “chosen” is because we are the safe and continuous place (like Luanne mentioned above), so much so that we become as expected as breath.
Like you, I’ve struggled with the “Just A Mom” messages. It’s especially painful when those close don’t understand the full extent of what that means to you. Praying right now that you know your value to the deepest parts, that you have eyes to see the good of your mothering and this life you’ve been given, that yes, you do listen to the One who knows…and loves.
This showed up in my twitter feed and was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, for sharing this beauty with us.
MOPS Membership
So thrilled to have met a fellow NE Portlander, Krista! And grateful that this was the encouragement you needed. Sending love…and entering you for the free membership.
Thank you for the great reminder! I love being a part of MOPS. Our meetings start next week and I can’t wait! So thankful for my MOPS Membership! :)
Happy to meet you, Rebekah, and glad to know you’ll be starting up with MOPS again soon. Sounds like you love the connections you’ve found there. :-)
What a great giveaway!!! MOPS is such a big part of my life! Love it :)
“MOPS membership”
Yay, Amber. And I’ve got you entered.
Loved the post!
MOPS membership
So glad to “meet” you here, Elissa. Entering you in the drawing.
What a great reminder!
Oh, and MOPS membership. :)
Oh, yes! Got you entered, Emily.
This was meant for me. (or at least I was meant to click the link and read it) Today. Thank you.
Oh, thank you for letting me know. Encouragement to you today, mama.
Free mops membership. I am interested in joining?
Wonderful. Got you entered, Heather.
MOPS Membership
Loved how you described the difference between accolades and affirmation! Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting some acknowledgement, but it’s not the accolades I need, it’s affirmation!
Strangely enough, I hadn’t realized that exact thing until I started writing the words, Julie. I’m glad it resonated with you! (And I’ve got you entered in the drawing.)
I love you… and that is all! (Oh yes – and this… once again, I am pretty sure you will be featured this weekend on my list of favorite reads! Just WOW, girl?)
Karrilee, always an encourager! And I love you, too. Thanks for including me on your favorite reads — in such incredible company. You bless me.
I can completely relate to that struggle of feeling appreciated and loved. It’s so easy in all our many roles as mothers to equivalent our identity with our worth. At our first MOPS meeting this Tuesday I shared about how I have struggled to always remember that my worth and identity should always be found first and foremost in Christ alone. I know many of us moms share this struggle. May we continue to embrace our individual stories and trust the Lord to show us the beauty in each of our daily messes :) “Mops membership”
That’s such an important distinction, Emily — identity vs. worth. I am praying with you…that regardless of our roles, season of life or how capable we feel in these tasks that we may know without doubt our first and foremost identity. Bless you, and thank you so much for your comment. I’m entering you in the drawing!
Thank you :) Mops Membership
Thank you, Jamie. Gotcha entered.
please enter me :)
You got it, Amy. :-)
For me it was Ms. Gibbs, Gabi’s 3rd grade teacher. She liked Taylor Swift. Really? I LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT!!! You hit it right on the money my friend, as you do pretty much all of the time. I’ve often wondered where am I in your picture? There are some more comments over at MOPS International’s facebook page including the general comments section (sometimes us moms don’t know where to put our words, so we put them where we can.)
So glad I’m not alone. Trying to embrace the gift of these women who are much cooler and/or smarter than I, thankful for their lives and voices entering the lives of my girls. Thankful for you, too, friend. AHHHH, TAYLOR SWIFT!
Thank you for sharing this meaningful post, Ashley!
MOPS Membership
Thank you, Gwen! I’ve got you in the drawing!
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that story! I have been struggling a lot, lately, with that very thing! My husband has been very sick and in the hospital and out of work…I have been doing my best to carry the burden of everything on my shoulders, and in doing so, my daughter has not had the “usual” amount of mommy’s attention (it’s usually just the two of us together all the time). She began to act out and become very disagreeable with me — it seemed like everything was a constant battle with her and all she wanted to do was spend time with her grandparents (instead of mommy)! I cried every night because I just wanted my little girl back! One night, about three weeks in to this nightmare, she woke up early and was crying for me. I went in to her room to give her back her ‘binky’, and instead of just tucking her back in, I asked if she wanted to come sleep with me. We spent the next two hours just snuggling and cuddling. She laughed every few minutes and we had a lovely time just enjoying each other’s company. Ever since that moment, things have returned to ‘normal’ for us! I am so thankful to have my sweet girl back, but it was an awakening to this first-time mother of a 2-year-old that sometimes things get shaken up in our world, and all we can do is the best we can and realize that their little worlds are crazy too! With my daughter, she just wanted some special time…I am so thankful that I was able to have that with her. Times are still tough, and my husband is still out of work and recovering, but I am thankful to have the opportunity to hear other women’s stories thanks to having a prior MOPS membership! I never would have found this blog if it hadn’t been for MOPS! :-)
Mandie, so glad to meet you here, and thank you for sharing your story. Wow. What a lot you’ve been going through. Such wisdom and insight you had that night to invite your girl to just be with her mama, and what a sacrifice to give up some of your own refueling time in order to pour into her…and then you poured out love on each other. It’s so amazing how that works. :-)
Isn’t it so ironic, too, that the times our children push us away the hardest are the times they often need us closest. I’m continually figuring out how to navigate that one with my growing girls.
What a loving mama and wife you are, Mandie. I’m so thrilled to hear how MOPS has played a part in building you up in this work….we all need encouragement, and yes, the stories of other women are powerful in helping us along on our journey.
Praying strength and endurance for you, healing for your husband, God’s provision for your family, and relationships under your roof that are continually established, built up and overflowing with love!
(And I’ve got you entered in the drawing.)
Thank you for your honesty. I understand and can appreciate your words.
MOPS membership
Thank you, Kim. I’m glad this resonated with you…it always helps me to know I’m not alone in these feelings and experiences.
I’ve got you entered.
Thanks for your post! Thank you for being open about the insecurities we have about being a parent, but also encouraging about where we really need to look to to find our worth.
MOPS membership
So thankful you stopped by. I pray you know today that you are incredibly valuable to your family and always to the One who continually sees you & loves you perfectly. I’ve got you entered for the membership.
Love this post, love your blog!
When my son was about two, someone took a picture of us in the back yard. In the distance, the lawn mower was parked by the shed. He would look at that framed picture and say, “Hey, there’s me and the lawnmower!”
But I always thought it was a privilege to give him the kind of world where Mom’s presence is so reliable. Now if he’s 35 and still sees me that way … =)
Stephanie, what a great story…the lawnmower! Wouldn’t ya know?! I agree…I do believe that our reliability and constancy is part of the reason we can seem invisible. What a testimony to your relationship with your son that he still sees you as the one he can count on. Thanks so much for your presence here!
Oh, words of life, friend. Yes, it matters- even when we don’t make it into the picture! I still remember my mom telling about how when i was in kindergarten, I came home with a picture of our family… my sis, my dad and I holding hands in a happy line and my mom on the back of the page hanging clothes on our clothesline!
Alicia, I love that you shared that story. I can’t believe you did that to your poor mama! :-) Truly, it is validating to know that we mothers are not alone in these feelings, and that our presence is important no matter how it’s drawn (or not).
Love this! It is so good to feel like you belong somewhere! And a MOPS membership is a great thing to help that! i
Yes, we do belong! And we are important…whether we see it in a moment or not. So glad you’re here today, Rebekah.
I’ve got you entered for that membership!
I read this twice and it rings true for me after a few decades of mothering that no apology is necessary for your reaction. Simply saying I really needed to see myself in the picture because even though I was away I wish you would have thought to put me there for all I do and as your Mom and a Member of the Family (most importantly the MOM) and it is a family picture, so I feel sad you didn’t think of me. No apology. It is a passage of reality for her to see your vulnerability and what you wished for. Believe me this becomes a part of a more adult phase. You didn’t make her feel badly, you only revealed what her forgetting you caused. That’s just being so real and she learned that just because Mama is out of site, she needs to not be out of mind. Be gentle. It’s okay to cause our children discomfort when their actions hurt us. This might make more sense when teenage years hit. She has your strong and tender heart, Ashley and you being vulnerable and feeling the sting is something she needed to see. Later, “I forgot you” won’t be acceptable at all. Believe me. Still raising my 31 year old to get this. Your Mom knows my story on this. I hope I haven’t offended you at all. We teach them to appreciate us by being honest and unapologetic when they don’t. That’s making our Self Worth Speak and that we don’t want to be taken for granted as their Mom. The age of 11 is now the beginning of adolescence and differentiating, when they have a tendency to begin to forget more often how much we do. But that can happen and it is a developmental phase that lasts a long time. But we teach them to appreciate our efforts and it helps them to remember us when we’re out of site. It continues, I have found, if we don’t reveal. I just want to reinforce, you’re an excellent Mom and you need to be in the family picture even if you’re not in the room :D I’m a Mom who’s been there and did too much coddling and now I’m paying way later with painful boundaries I didn’t think I’d need to draw. I hope this is useful. I’m seeing you in the next drawing because she saw that you deserve to be there. Emotions are sometimes messy truths but truths nonetheless. God Bless you dear heart for your lovely vulnerable sharing and very real self! You’re a Gem! :)
P.S. It takes a village to raise a child. There have been so many times when that “other” person (Ms Foster) said what I have said and it sinks in. Be very grateful because you laid the groundwork for the sinking in no matter where it came from. That’s a gift that they “got it” even though the final “getting” might not be from us…. we laid the groundwork. Never forget that. Much love to you Sweetie :D From one Mom to another in the raising up of our little ones. Wow, what a seminar I just did! It just hits me where it counts with my own, but she’s well beyond 11. I’m surprised because I thought I instilled all of the above and I still got surprised in a very painful way at a time when I thought she’d grown beyond “forgetting” me. I learned it can still happen. Reinforcing it early is a good thing.
Kelly, thank you so much for your thoughtful and wise comment. You know, I agree with you that it is important for our children to see us as people, to recognize that we have feelings and that we cannot be cast aside as ones just existing for their benefit. I have more and more of these kinds of conversations with my girls all the time, as is age-appropriate…and I think it is an important element of their appreciation and gratitude and ability to consider with care. They should apologize when they actively hurt us — not from a shame or guilt place, but because it’s right to apologize when you’ve hurt someone (whether intentionally or not). So yes, I absolutely hear you. I do know, too, that I need to be thoughtful about what I demand in that regard so they don’t develop an unhealthy picture of “needing to take care of me” or “being responsible for my emotions.” That’s where wisdom and discernment come in, I suppose.
Also, yes! I agree. It does indeed take a village. I am grateful for those who speak goodness and life into my children. Mike and I cannot do this alone, and we say silent (or verbal) thank you for any help we can get.
Dear Kelly, thank you for sharing your perspective with some years between you and early childhood parenting. It is really helpful and filled with such love.
I appreciate you tremendously. Sending MUCH love!