I drive down the freeway at sixty, leaving behind me a gathering of women I’ve called mine for the last eleven years.
I’ve said my good-byes and heard loving final words and looked in eyes and said, thank you for everything.
They tell me I can always come back, and I know this.
This place where loving teachers helped grow my daughters and where I grew to flex spiritual muscle I needed. This place where women soak up God’s words and dig deep and seek hard after Jesus — I know I’m always welcome here.
Yet it’s clear that God’s leading me to new places, though right now my eyes can scarcely see beyond the pavement in front of my car.
It’s been a season of many changes.
In September, we left our church home of sixteen years. Painful and complicated for sure. Yes, we are indeed seeking. Vision and purpose and plans (I so badly want to know the road ahead), but more — for truth. Because more and more, it’s clear to me that it’s not new truths I need, but a fresh understanding of old ones.
I do not want to be like the believer Brennan Manning describes as peaceless and joyless because she pants for one assurance after another of God’s love. I want to accept, receive and know this love (really know it), regardless of group belonging or church gathering or writing project or season of life or acclaim or criticism. I want to know the love of the One who promises he will be found by those who seek and allow that to be an overflow offering to whomever, wherever I be.
When I seek after knowing myself rather than knowing God (and therefore myself), I not only wander, but grow more self-centered in the process. When I seek a road map as goal, I travel frustrated circles. I cannot anticipate the twists and turns ahead and, even if I could, would not be able to navigate them as I’d imagine myself able.
There’s so much we can’t do, so much we don’t know, but it’s always been that the answer is not what so much as who.
“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his face continually.” (Psalm 105:4) For, friends, this I do believe is where hope is found. Where purpose and love and healing are found. Where one foot in front of another is not death march, but invitation to life.
To gaze upon God’s grace, love and mercy is home for it is where we are found.
In the early light of morning I am surprised again as old truth becomes new for me in all CAPS and the splotchy ink of a cheap pen:
“God, You are doing a new thing,” I write, “and I need not force it.”
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Seek…and you will find… I sense a peace behind your words, Ashley. God is the voice behind you saying this the way walk in it. There’s going to more to this story…. looking forward to see how God leads….
Dea, I love that verse so much. It has come to mind so many times over the last months. This is the way, walk in it….
Yes, there’s always more to the story, isn’t there? Thank you for encouraging me. Continuing to pray for your papa and for you in this process.
Ashley… how thankful I am that our paths mingled over these past 11 years. I look forward to still being able to read your words and hear your heart when you write new posts and who knows how the Lord may bring us together again in the future. It won’t be quite like getting to look into your eyes and see your smile as we sat in quiet pews catching up and pondering on Wednesday mornings. You are an amazing listener and I was blessed to be the recipient of your gift of encouragement. I was so sad to hear that I missed saying “good-bye” yesterday morning. I look forward to continuing to hear how the Lord leads and directs and equips you in the coming year(s). I admire your courage to step out in faith, away from the familiar and I trust that these new paths will lead to beautiful blessings for you and your sweet family. You will be missed and yes you are always welcome to return, you know where to find us!
You are such a builder-up of others, Denise. It’s something I’ve always appreciated about you. That and your courage to live in the questions and not have to jump to easy answers. There’s such encouragement in that, such an honest reliance upon God.
I, too, am grateful for our shared paths and look forward to seeing you sometime soon. Thank you for your words here. They, and you, are a gift!
Annnnd this post makes me want a couple hours in a coffee shop with you. Badly. :/ sigh. I’m so glad I read this tonight and so glad you’re in my life. For such a time as this. LOVE.
Dana, grateful – oh, so grateful – for the ways God brought our journeys together. I look forward to continuing to walk together. I love you.
Dearest Ashley
Oh, I am delighted by the calling of Pappa to draw you nearer to Him. When I was at that place where you are now, I read a book of Mr Wayne Jacobsen, He Loves Me. It can be downloaded for free from his website, Lifestream, and my eyes were opened to so much more of His glory. I can really recommend this book. I am looking forward to the new heights you are going to reach in Him.
Blessings XX
Mia
Always growing, learning, never attaining done until heaven. Thanks for the recommendation, friend. Sending much love.
You write, “more and more, it’s clear to me that it’s not new truths I need, but a fresh understanding of old ones.” Love the truth in this, Ashley, and it has me pondering. And then so beautifully it segues into your next post – and how our lives proceed from the way we {choose to} “see”. Love it! Love YOU!
Isn’t that something how God does that. Of course, I had no idea what Lisa-Jo’s prompt would be! :-) xoxo
First of all, I’ve been meaning to say, your photos are breathtaking and alive. I love the stories you tell with them and how you weave them in with your words. Next, I also love what your Mama pointed out above, the wisdom and truth uncovered in not seeking “new truths…but a fresh understanding of old ones.” I can relate to this at the start of this fresh year, my friend, and I appreciate your invitation to ponder this more fully. I am looking forward to see you dig deeper into those old truths throughout the year and uncovering more and more freshness. You bless me.
I understand what you mean by this comment all the more after our talk yesterday about love and forgiveness — those very old truths coming to new life, deepening with our attention and humility. Thanks so much for the comment about my photos. It was one of many reasons why I thought I could never blog. What would I take photos of? And how embarrassing would they be? So sweet of you. xoxo!
Dear Ashley M. Larkin,
I am praying for you.
May God lead you, guide you with your family as you seek Him and order your steps in His Word.
Read Proverbs 3:5-6 and Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Sincerely,
Alexis
Thank you, Alexis. I appreciate you passing along your blessings and those verses — they are two of my favorites. Sending love…
Yes, I’m quite sure you’ve been reading my internal mail. I’ve had this deep restlessness the last few days that I am to be seeking “Home,” where God and I meet in the center of my being…where I am loved completely. I feel His hands turning my face back toward the with-God life, practicing the presence of God.
That other voice? The voice that says reach and strain and grow big? That voice that pounds in my heart like a new infatuation? I’m beginning to realize that “reach for the stars” and “go for your dreams” and “10 steps to getting published”…actually deceive me into a whirling life of chaos, not God-infused peace. I’m reading Henri Nouwen’s Spiritual Direction and wow, I’m shocked at the vulnerability with which he talks about this very struggle of pride and self-focus right at the height of his ministry.
And yes, old truths…the older the better.
Thank you for your faithfulness…your risk-taking…for putting words to the search.
OK, Summer. I have to admit I was pretty much freaking out when I read your comment. So I had this post and this deep calling to HOME over days and weeks and then a dear man at the church we’ve been visiting came over to me after service and said he felt God wanted me to know something: that God himself is my home within the depths of my being. That He’s inviting me to pour out my heart to him, not to run, but to settle right down here. That in the midst of transition and hurt and confusion and anger and feeling lost, He is my HOME. This perfect place of loved, known, understood completely. And then your comment!
Friend, I so resonate with what you’re talking about — the strain and the pressure to grow big — because I grow confused by these voices so often! I’m not sure what to do with this. That’s part of my journey in “seek” — to recognize what God wants me to pursue, but from a place of trust that says you have all you need RIGHT HERE.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, Summer. Truly, you don’t know how much they — and you — blessed me!
This was very meaningful to me Ashley. Thank for being vulnerable and for sharing your “seeking” journey. To say it’s beautiful doesn’t really do it for me because it touches a “restlessness” in me to come closer and know God’s love and the safety of His peace. Bless you. You help me accept and ponder deeper. Such a gift.
Oh, Kelly, I so get this restlessness, and thank you for sharing. Praying that you would know the heights, depths, breadth and width of God’s love for you. That you would find Love that puts down roots and STAYS in the deepest places of your soul. That you would know this home that IS yours, that is ALREADY there, that is for YOU. Much love to you, friend.