When we hunger to belong, it is home we seek.
When we toss, turn, stirring and straining, it is home we want.
When we wrap in blankets, warm water and embraces and long to stay right here always, it is home.
When we ache for assurance, tenderness, understanding, it is home.
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When we smile, listen, look long into eyes or bring tea to a bedside, it is home we give.
When we encourage instead of criticize, it is home.
When we try to hear the heart and not only the words, when we pull up a chair, it is home.
When we refrain from dictating relationship’s conditions and hold out an open hand to give and receive, we make room for home.
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I sit in bed today, fighting off sickness, and I am learning again to slow, to know this Home that lives within me. I gratefully (though still reluctantly) receive the kindness of my mom-in-law who cares for my girl and makes muffins that waft under the door, so I can rest. Michael called her last night to see if she could stand in the gap for us as she so often does, and though it is precisely what I want and think my body needs, I struggle to accept it. I feel guilt aches.
What makes me worthy? echoes in my mind’s corners. I’m not sick enough for this kind of help. Then there’s the part that expects to just be sick and worn ragged and go. I will probably be fine if I take some more meds, splash my face, keep keeping on because this is what love does…
Sometimes.
Then there are days like this when I lie in bed, a light breeze fluttering white sheer curtains and think how much I long for this world the kind of love and care that simply is. That is wafting muffins and covers wrapped close and faint giggles in hallways, and I want to remind myself and you that we are all journeying home, and we practice by making room for it now.
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Beautiful Ashley! I hope you are feeling better, & am so glad Mike’s Mom was able to be there to support you as you rest. Love you & look forward to getting together!
I was truly grateful for the help to recover quickly and thankful that meant getting to spend some time with you last night. xoxo
Dear Ashley
I think we are often our worst enemies as far as receiving love is concerned. We get bombarded from a young age that nothing comes for free in this life and it is true. The beauty of our Pappa is, that He doesn’t operate the way the world does. We can only receive from Him, dear one, just about everything. It took me a long time to learn this lesson, my friend, but we cannot receive if our hearts are veiled and closed to the totally free scandalous grace of Jesus!
Blessings XX
Mia
I agree with you, Mia. It is a continually deepening process as we grow in the depths and knowledge of this grace, especially in light of the world’s messages to us. Blessings, friend.
Ashley,
What beautiful, rich and tender words spilling forth from your weary, raw heart and body. It is in being powerless that we begin to know truth, and illness is one of those teachers that strips us bare…
I am so thankful you have loved ones to give to you, so you can receive that which you so often share with others.
Be well my friend!
Thank you, love. You continually bless me with your invitation to be weak and know I am loved. I am beyond grateful for you and all you teach me by living it. xoxo
Beautiful post Ashley. What IS it about mothering and guilt over taking help? I think it is something about our American independence and belief that self-sufficiency is next to saintly mentality, that we all kinda believe, without realizing we believe it.
Cheers,
Leah
You are right on, Leah. I don’t even know how much I’m buying into that self-sufficient, super mom lie until I’m not able to perform what I deem enough to make me worthwhile for that day. Thank you for echoing back my heart. Bless you in your mothering today, friend. You are always such encouragement here.
Friend, your words come even more alive to me having just sat across from you and listened to how this journey of seeking Home has been astir in you, from seeing you fight off feeling ill. I’m sorry you’re not feeling better, as I hoped and prayed you would – and I am grateful, too, for this gift of rest that can be so hard to receive, and yet even in your struggle, you are learning, aren’t you? And that is beautiful. I’m glad you are being loved on a bit as you enjoy just being still. Please stay there just a bit longer than you would normally be inclined to – and soak it in. xoxoxo
Thank you for that blessing, precious friend. I remembered your words and gave myself permission to stay in that place just a little bit longer. :) Yes, I am learning much about trust and seeking from a dependent place. Feeling not myself and weak helped to bring some of that “home.” (Pun intended.) It was such joy to be with you face to face. Can’t wait until next time. Love you.