We want both.
To blend into the crowd and yet somehow rise above it. To know we belong and yet bubble up distinct.
We walk into a room and scan the corners to see if we’re dressed right, if we look right, if anyone’s noticed. We look for a chair and worry if eyes fall on us. What are they thinking? Is there something on my face? Is this dress unflattering? Where are my people?
We twirl in spinning dresses before our fathers. “Look at me, Papa!” Tell me I’m beautiful.
We reach out for her embrace and worry when her frame stands cold. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I came on too strong.
We shirk the chains and long to break from walls defining us. You don’t know who I am.
We tell our story and wait for a resonant response. I’m so glad you get me.
We devour personality tests that tell us us. We so badly want to make a difference in these toiling, spinning lives. Tell me the “big thing” I’m supposed to do with this one small life.
We worry we’ll be forgotten among the masses. We worry we’ll be rejected.
We want to give, but not to be used up. We want acclaim and anonymity, freedom and hemming in at once.
So when Sarah Bessey prays on a Saturday afternoon before a room filled with hundreds, “May we long for prayer and the Scriptures. May we give and share and make room. May we find You in beautiful obscurity,” your heart says, “Yes. Yes. This is what I want.”
It makes you wonder if this might be how to live at peace in the crowd.
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I read these words on my friend Velynn‘s blog this morning, and they helped inform my writing today: “We humans are a hungry lot. We are driven by a craving to know who we are. Yet who we are is embedded in the heart of a holy God. Unless we seek for ourselves in the epicenter of God’s grace, we will be forever condemned to walk the arid edges of self-understanding.” (Calvin Miller, A Hunger for the Holy)
Joining with Lisa-Jo Baker and the Five Minute Friday crowd where we write wild and free and let the words fall where they will. It’s a chorus where each voice matters. Come write with us? Today’s prompt: CROWD.
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Ashley…you were all up in my head with this post. The word crowd reminds me how this world has turned the crowd into a audience. We’re all seeking approval through performance. “Tell me the big thing, I’m supposed to do with this one small life.” Let’s pray protection from that voice – if all we hear is a cry for fame. Loved the quote by Calvin Miller and a big hug for introducing me to Velynn. Love knowing I’ve hugged you in real life.
I feel the same, friend. Grateful for hearts connected through words..and the beauty of how that translates to real life! I loved your post on this prompt. Yes, the stage as a metaphor….how that speaks. Rejecting the siren’s call of fame with you, beautiful.
To know we belong and yet bubble up distinct. Absolutely. Loved this! I don’t even have words…this really resonated with me this morning. So thankful that God accepts us as we are and so glad I stopped by from FMF!
Grateful for the echo, Carol, and for a God who calls us to community while also calling us uniquely beloved. Thank you for stopping by. I love FMF. :-)
“To blend into the crowd and yet somehow rise above it. To know we belong and yet bubble up distinct.”
I was going to say these were my favorite lines. But then you kept stringing pearls and smacked me with Sarah’s words, “May we find You in beautiful obscurity.”
Yes, please.
I know, Sandra. Clinging to that Sarah prayer with all I’ve got. So grateful for your encouragement on the journey.
So much lovely here! I could not agree more with your assessment. I feel like God is weeding this out of me these days and then that quote by Calvin Miller. Thank you for sharing!
Christy @ A Heartening Life
http://www.ahearteninglife.com
Isn’t that an incredible quote? I’m going through that weeding process, too, Christy. It’s painful and yet so life-giving, right?
I love you. I get you. I drink in the beauty of your words because they nourish and remind me of what my own heart beats to! Oh how you bless!
And you bless me…continually, Ms. Karrilee! Feel so grateful to be gotten and loved by you.
Oh Ashley, you express so eloquently the confused and contradictory parts of our being! Does this not so describe every last one of us? In nano-seconds we leap (or are yanked) from one to the other! Do we all not wish that we could travel the rest of our lives down that road that winds gently and grace-fully between these two extremes? For all the ways, through your loving and your writing, that you make us feel at home being human, thank you dear girl! I love you…and I get you too!
I’m so glad this describes every last one of us and not just me because it can be a little crazy making in your own head, ya know? Thank you for all the ways you help me feel at home in this skin, too.
Love that prayer and the thought of finding Him in beautiful obscurity! That is what I want too. Thank you, Ashley! Blessed by your words yet again!
I was saying “may I find you in beautiful obscurity” today like a prayer mantra. Isn’t that a wonderful line? Blessed by you, Becky!
Beautiful!! We tell our stories and wait for a response- I so glad you get me!! Love this!! Isn’t this all of us? Wanting to know someone gets us? Aren’t we glad that God does!!
Amen, Jennifer! Yes, so so glad!
Ashley,
You cut right to the insecure , feeling really awkward right now, heart that beats in every woman. Being so introverted, but by God’s grace stepping out, I have been surprised at this lesson: underneath we are very, alike. Designer purses verses target yoga pants, not withstanding. That last quote was just awesome. Gonna check that book out, because “self-understanding”, or self-analyzing, has always been a snare for me.
Cheers,
Leah
Self-analyzing or introspection can be such a pit, can’t it, Leah? A snare for me, too. May we walk in the light of God’s revealing, not in feeling we need to dredge it all up in our own strength/wisdom. Proud of you for stepping out, by the way. Much love to you!
Um, I think maybe you live in my brain. (and that must be terribly frightening for you :)
“We want to give, but not to be used up. We want acclaim and anonymity, freedom and hemming in at once. ” So true, and so to the heart of so many of us.
I love that I actually got to meet you, and that I can see your sweet smile and hear your voice when I read these words. I love that I got to meet the woman behind the words that mean so much. Thanks so much for sharing this!
Oh, Marcy. It was such a joy, and I love the opportunity to continue getting to know you. “That must be terribly frightening for you” totally cracked me up! I feel the same way…thanks for entering into my brain through my words and all the contradictory parts that make up me. Aren’t we all so complicated…and so loved? xoxo
Yes, yes, yes… finding him in “the beautiful obscurity” – how I love this. I get this, and yet I don’t, because as you’ve so gorgeously written here, there is a crowd of a whole lot of contradictions in us, and we are seeking peace in the throes of it. You speak into this so insightful, straight and poetic, as usual. Love you, dear heart.
“Seeking peace in the throes of it” — yes, that is so true, friend. I am grateful to walk the journey of unwinding contradictions with you. You bless me. Always.