I grabbed my keys and wallet and bounded toward the door.
“Mama, my swimsuit is in the sink, and I need to spit out my toothpaste!” the five-year-old called from the top of the stairs.
I stomped back into the bathroom, not making eye contact with any of them, pulled out the new pink suit covered in dirt. It dripped as I threw it, soggy and soapy, into the tub.
“Look at all the pink dye in the sink!” another called.
Michael stepped in, and I rushed out the door to the grocery store, felt the press of this sister mess, this parent-child mess, the way I’d nearly taken my hand to her in anger for how she’d hurt her sister.
I small-talked with the cashier I’d seen earlier when the girls and I bought lettuce, kale and popsicles. I placed the drinks and laundry detergent on the conveyor.
“This is the beer and toilet paper part of the evening,” she smiled. “Necessities.”
I got back in Michael’s car, listened in on the talk radio station, thought about making a call to my sister. My phone’s battery was at 5%, so I headed home instead.
I pulled up in front of our house, turned off the men talking and laughing and let my heart feel the weight again. From the driver’s seat, I opened my mouth not knowing what would fall out.
“I’m such a mess without You, Jesus,” I cried.
“I’m such a mess with you,” I thought.
And isn’t that just what this Jesus promises?
Not quick fix. Not magic wand.
But that He will be beauty in the mess of me. Will be strength in my weakness. Will be protector, equipper and lifter of all weary heads.
When I yelled ragefully at my daughter just moments ago, it was Jesus who held my hands and shut my mouth when I readied to threaten her.
It was my Jesus who met me on the couch when I returned home and cried about that horrid moment when I saw what I was capable of perpetrating in anger, the sorrow I felt about harm I could have done after years of the same frustrations with her and no sense made.
This is my Jesus who hears and sees and forgives when I call, who promises to give mercies in the middle of this mess, who pours them out. And they fall fresh on this mama and these children with the new hope of morning.
_______
Thank you for reading this with grace. It’s the story no mother really wants to tell. Last night, I pulled up Lisa-Jo’s prompt, MESS, and began to wonder what I’d write about today. And then this incident. Ugh, it broke my heart. There’s great joy happening in our days, new awareness and solidifying hope, but always, too, the mess. For these seeming dichotomies of life — good-bad, joyful-sorrowful, tender-tough, scared-brave — so rarely do they happen as either-ors. All this life soaks in the sink and leaves its marks and the drips mingle everywhere.
Joining today with Lisa-Jo Baker and the community of writers who share it bold and brave and scared on Fridays. Join us?
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Oh Ashley, have we not all been at the breaking point at one time or another! Kids tend to push those buttons in us. You are brave here, sharing the messy. I love your distinction that we are a mess with AND without. It’s living in this imperfect with our sinful, selfish hearts and those moments that push us to the brink. There is grace here. And forgiveness. And Love!
Christy @ A Heartening Life
http://www.ahearteninglife.com
Thank you for your loving words here, Christy, and for putting such good words to what that “brink” is about. So grateful for grace, forgiveness and love…where would we be?!
Great post.
A mess without Jesus, this we get
A mess with Jesus, this we feel betrayed by, don’t we?
Man, The Spirit keeps hitting me over the head with this All Week…my obsession to struggle not to sin only to fail and fall again, instead of alongside with the disciple of resistance {because that is part of the Christian walk} to learn to enjoy and be still and let the gift of our new nature come out. It is not easy and messy and yes living a paradox, {and who wants to bother with that, I can’t even keep our checking account balanced!}…that image of messy red dye dripping out and marring a perfectly pristine white porcelain sink…so good.
Happy Friday
and
Cheers!
Leah, you make such an interesting point about feeling betrayed that we are STILL a mess. I think that is so true, and your comment makes me think of the difference between fruit that comes from knowing we are loved and settling into that place of true Home and living from that vs. efforting our way through, which is really about me and not Jesus. Yeah, this will of mine can only get me so far. (And not very far a lot of the time.) Bless you. So happy to see you, as always.
so beautiful and honest Ashley. I am trying so very hard to learn to whisper, Jesus, in those messy Mama moments (I seem to have a lot lately!). Just simply saying His name brings me a sense of peace and comfort and hope. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Yes, whispering “Jesus” is so powerful. I have experienced that, too, Krista. When we’ve got nothing, we’ve got Him. So grateful.
Read with understanding and I’ve been there’s and yes, grace too. You write of our humanity with deliberate honesty and transparency and it reminds me how much I love you and your heart. Always. So many stories of my own ick come to mind. And yes Jesus is right there loving me through the painful memories and the redemption stories that wash over me now. And they wash over your home too.
Thank you, Elizabeth. You are so dear. And how right — this redemption washes over our memories and all these ick moments and us right now…all these homes with all these stories. Praying blessings of hope and peace for you, my friend. Love you.
I love you, Ashley. You have a beautiful heart, and I’m always blessed for having read, here. Thank you for being real. I could’ve written this. It would’ve been less eloquent, but I have moments of bellowing like the one you described. Lately, I feel like it’s kinder to spank right away than to yell like I do, in the putting off of the spanking. And it’s my daughters (3.5 and 5) with whom I’m struggling. Very disobedient and sassy. Very loud. ugh
Oh, the sassiness, Brandee…that is so hard. I know what you mean. I feel like I do so much better if I take a moment and regroup, rather than trying to push through some of those moments and messing it up so badly with all my raging emotions. I love you, too. Praying for you, Mama!
“But that He will be beauty in the mess of me. Will be strength in my weakness. Will be protector, equipper and lifter of all weary heads.” So much Amen, sweet friend! Just so much!
Love you so! (June is coming!)
Yay, June! We need to talk details. Look at it…already May?! Grateful for your hearty amens. You bless me.
yesterday I was just telling Christy how these past few weeks of trying to get back into my routine & life after my trip I have learned….. when I am left to handle my life on my own discipline, strength, endurance, wisdom…..I am a disaster!!!! today’s devotional was about whispering “jesus” in those moments of desperation. at least we know who to call upon! right sister? I have been so heavy hearted lately thinking about those I know that don’t have him to cry out to. so thankful that HE alone is enough to cover our disasters. I love you…and I love that we are in the same boat of this life and girls girls girls!!!!….and now doggy :0) our beloved sam is now losing poo control. that just adds to my day. but I love him just the same. just like our God loves us just the same when we are disasters. I miss u. ~kinny
Oh sister, I hear you on the disaster of trying to do it on my own. I think I’m so over that, and then I do it again. Continually whispering, “Jesus…” Yes, buddy. That’s the way, isn’t it?
And your sweet Sam. What a picture of both your love and the love of God for us in all our mess. I love & appreciate you.
Thanks for being “real” with your readers! We are ALL a mess, we ALL have “Mama failures”, & we ALL need Jesus! Love you Ashley & appreciate your writing immensely!!!
Thank you, friend. We do all have messes in common, don’t we? Good to remember in our darkest moments when we can feel so alone. Love you!
I’m in it to win it …walking this path from the past, present and future …with you. Bless our mess!
That’s right –we will not quit. Grateful for you on the journey, Lorretta.
I love you. I love your raw heart. This is me hugging you in your mess-with-Jesus-ness. May we press in to know Him deeper in all of it. Linking arms in this with you, dear friend.
I feel your hug and our linked arms, friend. So good to be loved in our messes — those places we truly need it most.
We all (even you, my beautiful, big-hearted, tender girl) live in messes. How few of us have the courage and integrity and love for others to turn the light on their own? Where would we be – in our relationships with one another – and on our own walks if we dared to be so honest? Thank you precious girl.
Grateful for your words, Mama! Trying to live this out, imperfectly. Love you so.
Ashley, you know what I love about this kind of brave, raw honesty? We can’t put each other up on pedestals. We get to love each other fully for the transparency, because we see each other as we are. And it’s not an either/or love. It’s a both/and, messy and beautiful, love. I see you, friend, and you are lovely.
Honey, I cannot stand pedestals, so thank you for saying that. It’s such a horrible thing — knowing you don’t belong on one, but thinking maybe you should climb back up after your inner fall. Why do we do that to ourselves and each other? Ugh. My gosh, so lonely up there. I love you immensely and am so thankful that we get to love the real us.
How many times did I pray the prayer, “Jesus, please cover my mistakes with your grace”, in parenting my girls…more times than I can count! And they’re all pretty wonderful human beings, because His grace really does cover.
Elizabeth, thank you for that encouragement. His grace fills those gaps, doesn’t it? I needed your words today.
Thanks for sharing your mess>age in the mess! You bless us with your gift!
Oh, Earl. Thanks, man. Isn’t that just like God to make an awful mess worth something? He doesn’t waste a thing.
Oh, sweet Ashley! So much grace, because every mother can tell a similar story. And I am convinced that as hard as it is, this very thing you speak of, this mess is exactly what draws our hearts to Jesus in such sweet beautiful ways. How else would we know how desperately we need him if we didn’t have those moments? I so appreciate your beautiful heart and your honesty! (and I couldn’t help laughing about the phone battery- happens all. the. time!)
Yes, it’s the mess that draws our hearts to Jesus. That is so true in my life. So right now I’m thanking God for those moments, even though, in the midst, they feel like the worst possible thing. And the once-again dying phone battery is probably what caused me to stop and “fall on my face”…yes, God knows. :-)