I mix a splash of spruce green acrylic paint with the chartreuse, let my paintbrush pick up and lay down the two colors unevenly.
I do not know what will appear before me when I do.
I hold one of the raw wooden-handled brushes that sit in the jar on the shelf between our dining room and kitchen. The girls usually hold these, and they are covered with smears and drops of paint from years of use.
Often I’ve looked at the brushes and imagined the day I’d take a class to learn how to make art with them, when I’d feel free enough to let them really run and twirl.
I’m done imagining. I’m ready to paint.
I lay my brush down on the side of the plastic bowl in which I’ve mixed colors. I am unsure what to do next and can’t tell if I’ve done too much or not enough.
The middle is muddy. I keep painting.
This is the same canvas I started months ago in a moment of quiet bravery, hung up right away on the bedroom wall before I lost my nerve. It’s the same one I have pulled off the wall several more times, adding a stroke here and there. Never quite sure what I’m doing, it somehow feels both vulnerable and hopeful.
Each time I pick up paint on the bristles, my fingers and stomach pulse an excited energy tinged with anticipation and fear. I combine color, tilt my head, follow a whim and turn the canvas upside down to see I like it so much more than I did before.
This makes me feel like a kid, and so I wonder if I’m on the right track.
Lately painting and decorating forgotten corners of the house with what we already have are how I’m living art, not hiding parts of me I worry will be seen as too bizarre, quirky or colorful.
I’m done living bound.
This home is covered with the art of these bold and creative children, and I am finding new inspiration every time I look up. Lines, shadows, highlights and shapes calling out, Be free.
In writing talks, in pounding nails into walls, in smearing paint on canvas, I am starting to feel unashamed joy, and moments of abandon even.
I am not gripped with worry about performing right or making something beautiful. Instead, I am learning to show up with what I’ve got in my hand, with a trusting heart, ultimately surprised by what takes shape before me.
This kind of art is saying yes. Yes to vulnerability. Yes to not knowing. Yes to imperfection. Yes to partnering with the Maker who calls us poem.
And for this current canvas, I’ve decided to keep the middle muddy (at least for now) because it is reminding me of the mysterious unseen of living art. Because we never really know what the result will be when we take out the brush.
________
Greatly inspired by Emily Freeman’s A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art You Were Made to Live in the writing of this post.
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Girlie – you know I love this for all kinds of reasons!!! (Hmmm… maybe we pack art supplies in August?) xoxo
Your art making inspires me, friend. What a journey of joy and praise. xoxo
“Often I’ve looked at the brushes and imagined the day I’d take a class to learn how to make art with them, when I’d feel free enough to let them really run and twirl. I’m done imagining. I’m ready to paint.” <– Yes! That's right where I am, too. I hate that we let fear and doubt cage us in as we get older. Why does that creep in when we cross into our 30s? So ready to be bold and free again, too. I love this poem and your living art!
Kim, I’m so excited for you! I am praying for you right now, that you would know the courage and joy of living out your unique design, that you would experience the delight of being an image bearer with a job to do, as Emily Freeman put it in “A Million Little Ways.” Without worrying if it’s enough, may you find freedom as you make art with your life! xoxo
Love this, Ashley!!! “I’m done being bound”. Yes, my friend!! I love seeing and hearing what God is doing in your heart and through your fingers. Beautiful!
Bless you, sweet Becky. Thank you for your encouragement.
Run free, friend!
So much love to you and your brave heart!
This comment makes me smile big. I love you, Lori.
I think you have just made me the happiest mama woman on the planet. If not…then a close second. And if not second, then I’m in a very crowded group of ecstatic mothers wiping happy tears!
“This makes me feel like a kid, and so I wonder if I’m on the right track.”
It’s a SURE sign that you are, Ash! Run, be free, swing and twirl that brush – and leave the mud, just like you say, in the middle because it is mysterious and it belongs in a garden likes you’ve just painted! Oh hooray for this brave and wonderful day, Ash! You were meant for this honey, and all sorts of other wild beauty! xoxox
Ah, thank you, Mama. What a gift to begin to run free and to have those you love cheering you on! I love you so.
Oh my goodness, yes! yes! YES! This thrills me, that you are daring to do this and inspires me to take my own risks, too. This is so moving: “This kind of art is saying yes. Yes to vulnerability. Yes to not knowing. Yes to imperfection. Yes to partnering with the Maker who calls us poem.” I am so excited to see what kind of a poem, what kind of a painting, you will continue to be. xoxoxo
Thank you, sweet friend. And I’m telling you…I think you’d love to make art like those we saw on the wall yesterday at Back to Eden. Try it, try it…let’s make art! :-)
“Yes to partnering with the Maker who calls us Poem.” I love that!
I appreciate you, Victoria. Can’t wait to read more of your poetry, friend. (And you are, you know? Both a poet and a poem.)