It happens so often. I feel excited and all revved up to write on Friday. The word is released in Thursday’s late hours, and I see it.
Nothing.
I trace back over my week, all the memories of faces and moments, all the moments I thought I could write, and they meld from sparkling chartreuse, suede gray, scarlet and ebony into murky mud.
Often I’ve cared too much about my words and the brush I’ve used to paint them. I’ve rocked and nurtured words like little baby birds, still wet from the shell.
It’s a long journey for a lover of words to nurture, then release, watch them fly, see them fall.
The month of September, I prayed as I wrote three talks for women I’d be sharing with at a retreat. I laid down fear, expectations, insecurity and ego, and then did it again a thousand more times.
I tended word and story while trying to leave my hands open. I printed out every sheet in 20-point font and placed them in a folder for safe keeping. And then in final hours and last moments standing in front of the room of women, before my third and final talk, before I even uttered a word, I knew I needed to let the pages fall.
In startling (and frightening) clarity, I saw the need and what God asked me to do with a tending heart: to care more about these women, these uniquely drawn up gifts, than I cared about my words for them.
It wasn’t so much that the words were “wrong,” but more that I couldn’t see what I saw and not respond in obedience.
I needed to care about that room of women, which meant I needed to let go to truly see each one. The tilt of her head, her eyes filling with tears, her clenched jaw, her backpack of burden overflowing with a thousand jagged rocks.
Yes, I must care more about human hearts than my words for them, for you.
This morning as I type, I imagine these imperfectly strung sentences with all their mixed metaphors as nothing more than a drop in the bucket that reminds you that you are seen. That your heart and life matter to the One who counts the feathers on the head of every little bird.
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Joining with my Five Minute Friday peeps at Kate‘s with today’s prompt: CARE.
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
Wow, you truly are brave to just go ahead and let go of your notes , to give the women what they needed to hear. I too spoke this September and I felt released, but I had my notes!!! Absolutely beautiful and encouraging post. Thank you for choosing to share your words.
Thank you, Kortney! Speaking is such an act of faith — no matter what shape it takes, isn’t it? I so appreciate your uplifting words here.
There is such a tenderness here in these words, Ashley – just as they are.
You are one of the most deeply caring people I know, truly. I can’t imagine being in a room with you and not feeling cared about – I know those lucky women felt it too. All you need do is show up and we feel it. Lucky us.
Love times a bazillion.
Wow, friend. Thank you. I hope you know how mutual that feeling is. And I know your words are for both of us…just show up with you. :-) I love you.
P.S: Is that your art above? It’s absolutely gorgeous.
It is mine. I’m still trying to get to picking up the brush again. I’ve only painted a handful of times, but know – really, really know – I need this kind of art in my life. Maybe we can talk about this when we get together. xoxo
It’s scary to let go of what you think is important. What makes you feel like you. But to be filled with compassion for those women and to speak the words God would have for you will bring so much more glory to Him. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Allie. It is really scary. Thank you for seeing into the folds of my words and affirming this part of my journey. Blessings to you.
The sensitivity and courage necessary for this to take place is so unique. Too many times we let our own plans and ideas get in the way of God’s spontaneity, don’t we? What a blessing you were to allow those women to heard a word from the Lord that day. I’m so glad you shared this story, and so excited for the ministry you have to speak love into the lives of these women. Blessings to you! (stopping by with FMF.)
TC, thank you so much for your encouragement and for stopping by. What a gift. I’m learning so much about trusting God through this process. Praying that your roots go down deep and that you glimpse everywhere today how much you are loved.
“That your heart and life matter to the One who counts the feathers on the head of every little bird.” This sentence is so very tender and sweet and true. Love your words – even when you decide not to use them and care instead (which, BTW comes through every word you write!) Happy Friday!
Such a gift you are in my life, Barb. I do love the little birds. :-) Cheering you on as you finish your 31 Days this week!
Ashley – what a caring response! You are one of the most caring women I have met in the blogsosphere. I love you!
I love you, Kelly. Touched by your words today.
I love you so… I am so thankful that He speaks to you with such clarity and calls you to lay down the words so beautifully crafted, to let Him craft a deeper work in them, through you… to let Him flow through you as you open your mouth (and hands and heart) to speak. So proud of you, sister! You + Him… what a powerful amazing team!
“let Him craft a deeper work in them…” How beautifully put, my friend. Grateful for you and for all the ways you speak what he gives. I love you!
Beautifully said.
Thanks for your comment.
Beautiful and true. We always have plans and He always has better ones.
Yep. Always.
Truly beautiful! So many women have reached out to me with genuine care and concern. I am blessed.
Barbie, I’m so grateful that you’ve known that kind of care in your life. It changes everything. Thank you for being here today.
Oh, this message is such an echo of Jesus’ words to me lately. You are SO right.. and, honestly, sometimes it’s “easier” to just string words, edit sentences and push publish than to slow, study, pray, SEE, and care. Love who you are, friend.(And who you inspire me to be!)
Isn’t that true, my friend? Thank you for encouraging and inspiring me in so many ways. Did we decide on a phone date? Love you.
You write beautifully. Love the lines, “The tilt of her head, her eyes filling with tears, her clenched jaw, her backpack of burden overflowing with a thousand jagged rocks”. Very special.
Thank you for being here today. Your presence is an encouragement.
My pleasure: love your blog!
All our days, thoughts and intentions always go back to the same place: relationship is most important. More than perfect words and sentences and presence, He cares about the health of a heart. And knowing that you listened like that and then said yes is a beautiful heart indeed.
I could post this on my wall: “All our days, thoughts and intentions always go back to the same place: relationship is most important.” Amen! And to “healthy hearts,” as you say.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement, Shelly. Your relationship is a gift to me on the journey.
Wow. “It’s a long journey for a lover of words to nurture, then release, watch them fly, see them fall.” And it’s a privilege, Ashley, to witness in part your journey of nurturing and releasing. I read this story with an ever deepening respect and appreciation for your tender-brave heart. Your humble heart. Your letting go. Your watching fly. Your letting God do what God will do with ALL this. I love you, dear heart.
You live brave, my friend. And thank you for understanding as you do all these seeming contrasts — tender-brave, nurture-release — that are not so opposite after all. It’s a lifetime journey to walk them out in all their nuance and complexity, isn’t it? Grateful to be doing that with you.
I love your heart and your willingness to let go and to love.
Thank you, Elizabeth, and for lifting me in prayer and encouragement as I walk these new paths. xoxo
What a beautiful heart you have, Ashley! A quote that often come to mind for me is “In our inadequacies, Christ is sufficient”. Those times when we are willing to get out of the way are the very best, aren’t they? He is indeed sufficient!!
So much love!
Isn’t that the truth, Becky? One of my favorite verses, too. Love to you, friend. (And 31 days is almost over!!! Excited for you!)
Sent forth with care
:-)
Love this, Ashley! That is when we let God take the stage or in Toby Mac’s words “steal my show,” when we stop worrying so much about the words.
Steal my show — yes! Thank you, Abby. It’s good to walk in that kind of freedom, isn’t it?
Would love to be at the next venue when you are speaking. Much love
Would love to see you sometime, Deb. Thanks so much for your support! Let’s be in touch.