When I was a kid, I owned a journal that sat on my nightstand. A plain gray one personalized with a few tulips in grass, a rainbow across the top, the word journal written in my own floppy third grade cursive.
This may have been my only journal until adulthood because, though my heart stirred with the potential of writing, I only let the words flow from mind to page a handful of times. I’m an extrovert and a helper, so those pursuits kept me busy, but more, I did not ever fill that or any other journal’s lined pages because I knew that with so many long spaces between, I could never catch up. My allergy to not being thorough and complete chilled these writing hands.
It’s been more than a month since I’ve written here, and it feels like twelve years because I don’t know how to possibly catch you all up. And I can’t, so I won’t.
Yesterday morning, I lay down on the couch to wait for my phone’s timer to let me know the French press was ready for her plunge. I wished that these few moments could stretch to an entire day to be still and write, but it was another work outside the home sort of day for me.
So I took my minutes and placed my head on the red pillow on the couch’s left arm where I always stop in the morning to be still. The early sun shone so warm on my face and so brightly through the front window that even closing my lids did not diffuse the rays. My eyeballs felt the heat.
I opened my eyes and shielded them with my hand, and I smiled like one in the arms of her love. Dust particles kicked up by yesterday’s pre-company cleaning danced like stars, let loose like free women.
This morning as my hands move across the keys, I am smiling as beloved, I am dancing as free woman. I will not let these hands be chilled by fear or perfectionism, by believing in the lack more than the love. I will not be able to tell all the stories, but I will tell you some of them.
Over the last month, I’ve spoken and traveled and laughed with my people until I threatened a burst spleen. I’ve heard unmentionably excruciating heartbreak and seen gifts tucked away inside and others ready to soar, and I’ve sat and prayed with women while we’ve cried together.
I’ve danced ballet in Nebraska and prepared an Asian dinner with my family in a commercial kitchen in Portland and beheld a smack of cobalt jellyfish on the Oregon Coast. I’ve typed legal letters at a computer and addressed birthday envelopes in a real estate office and ridden hour upon holy hour in a minivan. I’ve waited on hold and cursed the horrible music and ridden the bus home from downtown, that unmistakable scent of urine searing deep into my nostrils and my memory.
We live so much life between the words that we’re actually able to tell about it. So there are nighttime pronouncements and new morning hope and photos of flowers in sunlight and hilarious hashtags and nodding me-toos and little hands in ours and baby birds in fallen nests and just a paragraph to represent so much that can never be fully told.
Before this day morphs into soccer games and last-minute errands and birthday parties, I needed to let you know I’ve missed you. Like empty lined pages waiting to be filled, like long-lost and found-again friends.
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
I’ve missed you too beautiful Ashley❤
I so appreciate your presence in this space, Kelly.
I was so excited to see your post in my inbox this morning. And gaaawwwww, I love you so much. This is so beautiful, as is everything you write and everything you are. I’m so glad I got so much time with you and still it didn’t feel like enough. #nosuchthingastoomuchAshleyLarkin
Oh, sister. You know the love is so mutual — of hearts, of words, of presence. I wish I could carry part of your load right now. Know I’m holding you with me always. You are a gift.
I was just thinking of you a couple of days ago & and realized that it has been too long since I read your words here. You depict such colorful and true pictures with your words that so many of us echo and relate to. I, for one, have missed you! Praying for you!
Thank you, Kim. What a gift to be thought of and missed. Sending you peace and great love for your day today.
I adore you, Ashley Larkin. Now as I read your words, I hear your voice and see your smile. {I also hear you laughing till you threaten a burst spleen and I laugh all over again with you.} Those minivan hours *were* holy, eh? The thing I love about your writing — I always have — is that you take your everyday and dive straight into it, right down to where He is. Your presence to Jesus within your life inspires and provokes me to find Him within mine. Gosh I just love you. So thankful for you, friend.
It is an amazing thing (among so many others in being together) to now know your voice. To hear your rich, strong and tender tones as I read your words on the screen. It all just makes such beautiful sense. It’s a continual challenge to see God not just in the out-there, but in all the right-heres, isn’t it, friend? I think that’s why I write it out so much, so I can live it, ya know? Praying for you in your today that you see and know Jesus WITH you. I adore you. #burstspleensareprobablynolaughingmatter
Gosh, friend. I was just now sitting here at my computer staring at a blank screen and all the blank “pages” within me and the memories and feelings and life I want to transcribe to fill them. And I felt the pressure of “I’ll never catch up” – until I read your words. Read your permission to not catch up, to not even try. And you know? It helped me breathe, and then say to myself, “Nor you.” You have a gift in that, Ashley, and I cherish every moment spent with you, listening to you, reading your words. Thank you for this breath of grace.
Oh, Amber. I am so grateful for the ways we help each other breathe. We need our dear people to give us permission sometimes. You help me see what’s needed and what I can let go to fly…you help me live more like the birds. I love you so much. #partoftheirworld #ishallcallyouambird #seewhatididthere?
Beautiful writing, Ashley! Allie just shared this with me.
Thanks, Ben. It means so much that you would read and comment. (I love your wife, by the way. I think you know how awesome she is. :) )
Your gift & beauty in writing is truly incredible…thank you for sharing it with us amidst your crazy schedule! Love you, & can continually relate & be blessed by your writing!
Oh, thanks so much, dear friend. It felt so good to get it down. I’m always so glad to know I’m not alone…don’t we all need that reminder? xoxo
You really have a gift with words! You convey so much life in such few words and I enjoyed reading it very much. I’m visiting from #GiveMeGrace.
Thank you, Gayl. I look forward to visiting your place. So glad you visited through #GiveMeGrace. Lisha’s created a beautiful community there.
Nice to see you! Made me smile and my heart was filled with joyfulness. Thank you for sharing.
Really nice to see you here, as well as at Jumping Tandem. I’m so glad to hear this post brought you joy, Joanne. Blessings!
Ashley- I’ve been blessed to have you part of that “month” of what you have been doing-we do live so much between the words we are able to tell about it. I am so glad you do tell about it, when you do. Your writing is poetry and beauty, as is your life- Cornelia
Thank you, Cornelia, for being such a steady cheerleader and encourager in my life. It’s a joy to walk with you. Praying for continued healing and peace for you, friend.
Ashley,
I’m so happy you’re writing again…as I read this: “This morning as my hands move across the keys, I am smiling as beloved, I am dancing as free woman. I will not let these hands be chilled by fear or perfectionism, by believing in the lack more than the love. I will not be able to tell all the stories, but I will tell you some of them.” I’m cheering for you…and you’re right, we live so much more than we can ever write…
Glad you’re sharing your beautiful gift and writing again :-)
Thanks for cheering me on and for getting this, Dolly. I need to keep laying down perfectionism in this writing gig…it’s an ongoing process and yet one so worth the effort. I appreciate you being here and am grateful for the opportunity to hug you in real life. Sending love.
I was so excited to get this post. You can tell me any bits of stories any time, and I will rejoice and be glad at the chance to read them. Thanks for sharing your life, however imperfectly. It’s a blessing to those of us that read your words.
Aw, thanks Abbey. I do so love stories and think we learn immensely by hearing/reading each others. I know you’re a storyteller yourself, sister. Thank you for passing on the tales. Love to you.
a smack of jellyfish. I probably would have called it a school! Love the little tidbits of blogging…and I know when I start blogging again, i’ll not try to catch up. Loved that walk and getting to see you in person Ashley.- love your finding beauty in the ordinary. I found it in a mesh of grass seed spread out on a bare spot left by work done in cutting down a tree at the park.
My kindergarten-aged daughter recently taught me about the “smack.” She learned it in her ocean unit at school – they did a whole day on jellyfish. Love that word! I, too, am so grateful for our time together at Jumping Tandem…you’re a delightful, wise and kind woman. And a beauty-seeker too. It’s a good way to live fully alive, isn’t it, Carol? Seed in mesh…I can imagine the checkerboard pattern now, and it’s making me smile. Bless you.
“We live so much life between the words…”
Ash, you had a few brief moments to tell us where you’ve been, what you’ve beheld, whom you’ve loved (and how) over this past incredible month of your life. I marvel at you, and I always have! But I marvel anew at your ability to speak so much life in so few words! The whole of it, so beautifully written! One of the many things I love about you (and about your writing) is your ability to observe with the eyes of a child. These words set my own child’s heart to dancing:
“My eyeballs felt the heat. / I opened my eyes and shielded them with my hand, and I smiled like one in the arms of her love. Dust particles kicked up by yesterday’s pre-company cleaning danced like stars, let loose like free women.”
Aaah, dear girl! You move me!
It’s hard to sum up the moments of days and months, but your nailed it….
So glad that you are walking through another door this spring….
So glad for all that has been given to you, shown to you, brought to life in you.
You shine Friend!!
“We live so much life between the words…” This writing is so beautifully you! So glad you’re writing here again, in the midst of all the living you’re doing!