Back in the spring, a rectangular card arrived in my mailbox. A distinctive font scrolled across an ombre watercolor wash of blue and at the top three words: The Open Door. I held the invitation to join a small group of women from around the country — speakers, writers, authors, artists, ministry leaders; the only commonality our faith in Jesus and call as bearers of hope.
As I read the invitation and explanation of the vision, as I held the small bronzed key that accompanied it, I shook my head. Why me?
I most certainly am not a superstar blogger with my beginner WordPress blog (and all the best intentions to update it). I’ve only just begun speaking. My primary ministries are in my home, our school and with women over coffee, story and prayer. My freelance writing career hasn’t yet gotten off the ground. My name has never graced a book cover. Really, my primary vocational nudge seems to be Love People. Why me?
And yet, because of my journey to stand firm on a rock of confidence that doesn’t turn like shadows, because of my desire to live fearless, because of the tremendous faithfulness of the Spirit who shows me one next step after another and another, I said yes. I walked through that open door and chose to keep believing I belonged.
Not like one belongs to a secret society or insiders’ club, but the way one allows Love’s eyes to lock with her own, to watch the mouth that forms the words, beloved, and to nod, Yes. Yes, I am.
During one of our first group conversations together, the circle of 12 women acknowledged the voice within that had asked “Why me?” The voice of comparison and exclusion that most of us know too well, the one that takes up daily battle against the voice that speaks, “You are welcome here.”
As sisters, we agreed that why me? had no place in our gathering, women uniting in distinctive and complementary gifts to be about God’s Kingdom come.
Mountain top (or in this case, lake side) experiences are hard to put into words for lots of reasons. Not the least of which is that even if I were able to name each moment I lived over those four days at Priest Lake, holy mystery wends like invisible thread through hours and minutes, words and silences, meals and wine, tears and laughter. The movement cannot be contained in bullet points and action steps, nor in poetry and prose for it is within these present days of mine and also beyond them.
On Sunday night, as Michael and I lie in bed, I poured out glimpses of being seen and known (both collectively and individually), of beholding Love’s power, truth and grace. I recounted the time of prayer and foot washing on the lake — Jesus granting pictures and words, the very water we poured out — and how I fully expected him to walk the mirror of stars to where Francie and I knelt.
I told him of how one’s ability to speak piercingly wise and another’s to make you laugh ’til your jaw aches and another’s to put handles on ideas and see what is not yet as if it were and my ability to abide in love mean something not only for one another, but to the still-being-woven tapestry of Hope that covers a dark world.
And as I spoke to Michael in the dark of our room, the words why me? whispered again. But this time, instead of snarling voice to silence, they were still small voice of invitation. Why me? asks how, in Mary Oliver’s words, I will use this one wild and precious life. It asks what I will do with the gifts I’ve been given.
Why me? is a proclamation that I am seen and uniquely loved, an agreement that I’m treasured to be a torch bearer, healed to be a path clearer, rescued to be a lie killer, received life to be a truth proclaimer, joined to the heart of God to be a lover of souls. Why me? asks how these days will be an overflow of the blessed sisterhood and Holy Welcome offered me.
So grateful for you and this community. You all are so dear to me. Wondering, friends, what is your why me? What is your open door?
{“Beautiful Feet” photo credit: heart sister Tammy Strait}
Connecting through the power of stories written, spoken and lived
We serve the Jesus who called fishermen and tax collectors to follow Him and be in His group of twelve, so maybe we should be less surprised at the open doors He extends for ordinary us. (It’s a joy to witness God’s work in and through you.)
I loved witnessing the menagerie come together…such a joy. Thank you, Elizabeth.
I love watching God’s spirit move in you and I absolutely adore the offering you give.
I feel the exact same way about you, sissy! xoxo
I can give a thousand reasons why you. Thank you for putting words to something I couldn’t. You’re good at that ;).
Grateful for you (and to you) for a thousand reasons. Missing you.
cherishing you and your heart!!
My times with you — both in preparation and in experience while there — were some of my greatest gifts. You are a blessing to me, soul sister. Love you, Francie.
Ashley,
I went to my email inbox timidly asking God for a sign. Not something I usually do. I even laughed out loud and said aloud “I know Jesus, I am like the rabble, who after you heal, ask “how about another miracle, huh’? I was looking for a particular person. But they did not did not miraculously materialize in the form of an email letter just for me. But my eyes did rest on your Draw Near Post. I don’t think I have even read anything you have written in about six months, if not longer. But desperate women, still in sweatpants, no bra, covered in cat hair and drinking wine and eating chocolate at 4 in the afternoon, will latch unto anything. So I decided, okay Lord, I will click and read. Your simple words to be open to an invitation. The question why me? I don’t belong. It really is okay to be vulnerable because we were meant to be safe when we follow The Spirit’s leading, stabilized by The Word, when we are among the brethren. Is is just the Hallelujah! I needed.
So thanks for sharing the testimony.
Cheers,
Leah
Grateful for the encouragement this brought you when you needed it, Leah. Sending you love.
Ashley dear,
So glad to hear your reflections of your time away at the “Open Door”….
I love this….” the way one allows Love’s eyes to lock with her own, to watch the mouth that forms the words, beloved, and to nod, Yes. Yes, I am.”
What if we all could feel and know and see our belovedness? How beautiful that your journey is deepening there, for in that you can extend so much to others!
Grateful that you were nourished!!!
Angela
Angela, thank you for understanding as you do. The connection between recognizing my own belovedness and extending that to others is at the crux of so much of this journey. Thank you for walking with me. You are so loved.
What a gift you have shared here. A message that we belong. We are loved. And we are chosen. You have such a gift Ashley…. and a heart of depth that matches it beautifully. So thankful for you.
Belonging and love — I don’t know anyone who embodies that like you do. Thank you for ministering to me through the power of your presence. You are so dear to me, Krista. <3
Wow. I could read this over and over and over again a thousand times and still stand in awe of your words and this reflection of a weekend that changed so many of our lives. I am so incredibly honored and grateful that each of our “why me?” turned into the thank you God overwhelming blessing that it did. You are love, and you live it out in word and deed like the very air you breathe. So, so blessed to call you friend. xo
I’m incredibly grateful for you, Tammy, and so thankful that we are able to walk this out together. You are gifted at celebrating others. I love you!
And I say, ‘why not?’ Your Jesus shines big in you, Ashley. What an encouraging gathering. Wow….May God continue to grow big in all you say and do.
Thank you so much for this blessing, Jody. I receive it with joy. You are dear. And yes, I am living out that encouragement for sure.